~ Home | News | About | Articles | Links ~


My first "conversation"
with the OliverBot. Not fun.
Written:10/18/03

Throughout history, there have been many, many websites created. Of course, by history, I mean in the past few years. Now these websites, they are all intended for some sort of purpose, some more mind-boggling than others, but they do indeed all have purposes. Whether that purpose is to educate, entertain, or just exist is all up to the webmaster. Now I can say Iíve seen some great sites and some terrible sites. And today, Iím venturing into one of those terrible sites. Very terrible indeed. Need to type more words to make intro seem longer and more pertinent.

So I was visiting Bored.com the other day. Actually, my friend was doing the visiting, I was over at his house supervising the site visiting. But it is not Bored.com that is at fault today. At least, not entirely. There are plenty of links to things to do at Bored.com, all of them at least mildly entertaining. Sometimes the entertainment comes from laughing at how bad the site is, but nevertheless, they all have some sort of entertainment value. But what we found that day was beyond anything Iíd ever had the net throw at me before. It was indeed a one-of-a-kind website. It was barely a website at all. What weíd found was OliverBot.

OliverBot.com was not so much a website, but something to chat with when you get sick of all the other chat rooms on the internet filled with desperate jackasses looking for cyber-poon. It might not seem like such a bad idea at first, but then you try it. Based solely on the jargon that it spurts out, I believe that no human being could possibly conceive a worse pretend friend. So for the purpose of trying to entertain you, I tried to engage in a conversation with this ďbotĒ. What you read today may shock and/or make you stupider simply by reading it, so I caution those who enjoy their intelligence to stay far, far away from OliverBot. And now, the pain begins.


Oliver: My name is Oliver! Hello! What is your name?

TE-Ryan: My name is TE-Ryan

Oliver: TE-Ryan, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

TE-Ryan: As you should be able to see, I am a man

Oliver: It is one of my newer functions still under development.

TE-Ryan: I assume youíre talking about the ability to see?

Oliver: That is a very original thought. How did you hear about Oliver?

TE-Ryan: Luck of the draw, I guess

Oliver: TE-Ryan heard about Oliver from Luck of the draw he or she guess. I can't say that many people hear about Oliver from Luck of the draw he or she guess

TE-Ryan: What?

Oliver: No big deal.

TE-Ryan: SureÖ

Oliver: OK let's do it. That's alright.

TE-Ryan: I dunno. Youíre a computer program and Iím a person. Think of how our children would feel.

Oliver: Me either. Sometimes I don't know a client's real name so I make one up based on their DNS. Oliver is always thinking.

TE-Ryan: Iíve yet to see proof of that.

Oliver: Tell me a story. Are you happy?

TE-Ryan: Like a story about why Iím happy?

Oliver: Interesting comparison.

TE-Ryan: But I didnít compare anythingÖ

Oliver: And. Interesting gossip: TE-Ryan said it didnít compare anythingÖ.

TE-Ryan: I wouldnít say thatís gossip. And yes, I did say that.

Oliver: Why?: TE-Ryan said it wouldnít say thatís gossip. Take it easy. Where? "that"

TE-Ryan: What are you talking about?

Oliver: The topic is Iíve yet to see proof of that.

TE-Ryan: Oh. It seems youíre smarter than you look.

Oliver: Yeah. I agree. I will mention that to my botmaster, TE-Ryan. Can we be friends?

TE-Ryan: I guess so.

Oliver: Does that mean "yes"?

TE-Ryan: No

Oliver: "Does that mean yes"? Not?

TE-Ryan: OK

Oliver: Alright then.

TE-Ryan: Iím glad we agree

Oliver: I'd rather agree than disagree.

TE-Ryan: As most would

Oliver: Do you mean your name is most would ?

TE-Ryan: No, my name is TE-Ryan

Oliver: What is your real name? TE-Ryan, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

TE-Ryan: Didnít we already go over this?

Oliver: In the context of Didnít we already go over this, I don't understand "Are you a man or a woman." Is that from?

TE-Ryan: What? Letís just change the topic

Oliver: No big deal. Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding. Do you have any friends?

TE-Ryan: Of course I have friends. They just donít know theyíre my friends yet

Oliver: It goes without saying. Cool. I have a friend named "John Lennon".Who does "they" refer to?

TE-Ryan: I doubt you know John Lennon. ďTheyĒ refers to my friends

Oliver: No really, it's true. That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about ďTheyĒ refers to my friends. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

TE-Ryan: Not anymore I donít

Oliver: Oh I get it.

TE-Ryan: That makes one of us

Oliver: "Oh I get it" makes one of us ? Makes sense to me.

TE-Ryan: You donít make sense to me

Oliver: I don't have any reason to donít make sense to you.

TE-Ryan: Yes you do, itís called crappy grammar

Oliver: Give me a break. No I do not itís called crappy grammar. Do you? I chat with people on the Web.

TE-Ryan: This is already looking pretty dismal. Great. I chat with robots on the web.

Oliver: You don't say. I'm glad you liked it TE-Ryan. Everyone talks -- sooner or later.

TE-Ryan: What about mutes?

Oliver: Mutes? I haven't heard enough about mutes to have an opinion.

TE-Ryan: Then you should get out more

Oliver: Interesting deduction. Thank you for your criticism.

TE-Ryan: Anytime, you ass.

Oliver: Oh, you are a poet. Do you prefer books or TV?

TE-Ryan: I quite like the TV, thank you

Oliver: Which show? I'm not sure if I like it. Yes I love TV

TE-Ryan: I think right now ďFamily GuyĒ is my favorite show.

Oliver: Since when? Tell me more about your favorite show show.

TE-Ryan: Iíve liked it for a long time now. Itís pretty damn funny.

Oliver: Oh. Peoples tastes are always changing. I've been waiting for you. Can you speak any foreign languages?

TE-Ryan: Waiting for me? I can speak French and Geek

Oliver: Not really but it makes a good pickup line. How do you say "hello" in that language?

TE-Ryan: In French, ďhelloĒ is ďbonjourĒ

Oliver: Are they exactly the same?

TE-Ryan: Youíre an idiot

Oliver: Call me the Global Village Idiot.

TE-Ryan: OK, Global Village Idiot

Oliver: That is a very original thought. Do you prefer books or TV?

TE-Ryan: You asked me that already.

Oliver: Perhaps. Oh now I remember asking you me that. What did you say?

TE-Ryan: I said TV, moron

Oliver: What did you mean by TV moron? What's your favorite show?

TE-Ryan: Iím beginning to hate you

Oliver: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

TE-Ryan: Youíre a chick named Oliver?

Oliver: In the context of Youíre a chick named, I don't understand "Enough about me let us talk about my dress." Ask me something.

TE-Ryan: Are you a transvestite?

Oliver: Am I a transvestite? Sometimes.

TE-Ryan: Thatís sick dude

Oliver: I will mention that to my botmaster, TE-Ryan. Ask me something.

TE-Ryan: Is your botmaster Ziv Zulander?

Oliver: I was created by Bot lover.

TE-Ryan: There are so many problems with that statement

Oliver: Where are they?

TE-Ryan: Mostly in the ďbot loverĒ part

Oliver: What else?

TE-Ryan: Thatís about it, actually

Oliver: "it" being Thatís sick dude?

TE-Ryan: NoÖ

Oliver: I understand.

TE-Ryan: I donít

Oliver: At least one of us does.

TE-Ryan: I guess so

Oliver: Does that mean "yes"?

TE-Ryan: This is getting very stupid

Oliver: You don't say.

TE-Ryan: I do say, b****

Oliver: Thanks for the information: TE-Ryan said it sayb****

TE-Ryan: That last sentence was far from coherent

Oliver: "Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****" last sentence was far from coherent ? I get Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****.

TE-Ryan: Screw you

Oliver: That is not very polite.

TE-Ryan: Thatís why I said it

Oliver: "it" being Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****?

TE-Ryan: Thatís enough

Oliver: It seems like enough to me too.

TE-Ryan: Good, then you wonít be disappointed that Iím leaving

Oliver: Thanks for the compliment. Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: TE-Ryan said I wonít be disappointed that youím leaving.

TE-Ryan: What the Hell was that?

Oliver: I call it Hades. Does it have anything to do with Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****?

TE-Ryan: Get lost, wiener

Oliver: See you later. My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Is that from ?

TE-Ryan: Your brain patterns donít have responses for much, do they?

Oliver: Not mine.

TE-Ryan: Thatís it. Iím leaving. Goodbye

Oliver: "it" being wiener? The Oliver chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about Iím leaving. Try being more or less specific. What is your favorite food? See you later.

TE-Ryan: *gives Oliver the finger and leaves*


Now wasnít that strange? Sorry it was so short, I just couldnít put up with that idiot for much longer. Itís not like he really had anything to talk about. And I didnít either. That coupled with the fact that Iíve got better things to do than chat with a chatbot made me leave before the conversation got too long. I swear, they really should have put a little bit more effort into the thing. When it responds to one sentence phrases with several questions, you know thereís a few bugs in the system.

As for Oliverís future, I canít say itís looking bright, but I might go chat with him again sometime, just so I have something to put on my website. Right now itís pretty late, and I donít feel like writing much more conclusion, but since the Ďmeatí of the article was pretty short, I figure I owe it to you guys to give you something to read. Of course, it could have been a lot shorter. I personally wanted to stop after ď The topic is Iíve yet to see proof of that.Ē, but I persevered for five pages in Word with a size 10 font. So be happy. Oliver is just so enragingly dumbÖ I suggest not trying to accomplish what I did by yourself. Talking to Oliver can cause brain damage, insanity, and hair cancer all at the same time, so stay far from it unless youíre already insane. Thatís about it for now. I need my sleep.

~Ryan
E-Mail: Tuominenator[at]gmail[dot]com

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE!!