5 to 10 a Day

Written by Steve
Editing by Ryan

Vegetables, my immortal enemies. For years I have attempted to find a way around actually consuming them, but I was thwarted time and again, first by my parents, then by the realization that they are indeed quite necessairy for my continued survival. I have come to understand that most people, by my age, accept their fate of eating these horrendous things in huge amounts at every meal, but my mind is much more powerfull than the average, and thus, while comprimises were made, I eventually found balance with the nightmarish world of vegetables.

How, you ask, was I able to defeat such a foe? It was quite simple really, I simply followed a scientific process to my eventual triumph over my foul tormenters. I first Identified what it was that I disliked about the foodstuff, and it was quite clear that it was the depressingly bitter taste. Vegetables are not sweetened much at all, unlike their fruity breathren, which I had no qualms with, so my first attempt to cure the taste of these abombinations was to douse them in sugar or chocolate. This went poorly, as the tastes did not blend well, as I'm sure you can imagine that chocolate covered spinach is not a very scrumptious meal.

With my initial attempt thwarted, once again by the foul taste of my enemy, I began to despair, there seemed to be no way to win this battle, but in my darkest hour, right when I was about to accept the inevitabliity that I would forever be dependent on something which I detested so, I found a cure. "Fruit&Veggie" bars, or something to that effect, was now my messiah. The great thing about these bars is that they are composed of freeze-dried fruits and vegetables (5 servings) which have very little taste. Even better, I'd say a good third of the bar's mass was some kind of solidified syrup which had a sweet, pleasant taste. All my problems seemed to fade away at this point, but a cruel reality soon set in, these bars where pretty fucking expensive. I can't remember the exact cost, but it was pretty steep for such an unnecessary product. Besides, I had another idea.

Pills. A medical miracle if I do say so myself. I was able to obtain a list of the vitamins and minerals that my body required for function on a daily basis, and was able to get vitamin pills that filled my needs in a relativly small number of these pills. Mathematically, this worked very well, but my parents don't seem to have minds quite as scientific as my own, and my pill popping opperation was quickly stifled. I once again began to lose hope, it seemed as if all my options had been exhausted to no avail, while there were indeed ways to put an end to the horrible practice of consuming vegetables, none of them were feasible.

At this point, I came to a realization, I could never beat my horrible foe, so why not comprimise? I once again used science, looking up again how much of each nutrient I needed, but instead of selecting pills to suit the requirements, I formed a list of relativly tollerable vegetables that I could eat. It was much less than I thought, with only having to eat an orange, an apple, a banana, a carrot and a half-cup of brocolli, as well as one of my treasured pills, my entire requirements where filled. Now, it would be quite qisgusting to eat such a mass of plantlife in one meal, unless that is, you make it a meal of it's own. In less than half an hour, I can consume this amount of food, maing sure to eat the brocolli first, so that the citric acid of the orange can make short work of any lingering taste.

This is how I get my nutrients now, eating only the absolutly necessairy vegetables, and being able to avoid them altogether except for a short time in the evening. And that, my good readers, Is how I conquered, or at least didn't lose to, the horrible reign of the vegetable oppressors. So you see, it's really not that hard, not nearly as bad as it would first seem. The trick is not to let the foul vegetables ruin your meals. I conceed that some vegetables do fit with meals, such as tomato sauce on almost any Italian food, but who really wants to ruin a good steak by putting a pound of spinach next to it?