Why AstroBoy Sucks

Written by Steve
Editing by Ryan

A simple glance at AstroBoy tells people one clear statement, he's not wearing pants. Is this wrong? Yes. It may be argued that he's just a robot and that R2-D2's a robot and doesn't wear clothes. There's quite a difference, R2 is not designed to look like a person. If a Robot is designed to look like a person, then it should adhere to social doctrines regarding, among other things, the wearing of clothes. For a robot to be in human form and cool, it must wear clothes, or better yet, some kind of armor. Megaman is a cool robot, he's covered in armor (mostly). Terminator, also cool, had the first objective of finding clothes so that he could be accepted in society, something that AstroBoy is not. To be brief, Astroboy resembles a maybe ten year old boy in tight shorts, anyone who wants to see that has got problems.

Another thing uncool about AstroBoy are his powers, yes having rocket feet is kinda cool, but what else does he really have? When a robot does not have a sufficient back story, or one that is boring and stupid like Astroboy's, or even poorly conceived like Megaman's, the coolness of the particular robot relies on his weapons and abilities. Megaman boasts a wide variety of destructive and original weapons and upgrades, such as that awesome looking, futuristic white armor. Astroboy, on the other hand has nothing but rocket feet (really, how hard is that to make? You just build rockets into his legs). That's so stupid. How are we, the people of the world, supposed to respect some fool wearing tight shorts and can fly (not even the cool way with big awesome metal-robotic wings). (Editor's note: Actually, AstroBoy has machine guns, but they come out of his ass, so it kind of nullifies any coolness. And the new incarnation of AstroBoy also has an arm cannon, as I've come to learn from various fans.)

Astroboy's feelings are perhaps the gayest thing about him. I say gayest not to mock the homosexual community, but rather to demonstrate that Astroboy does not follow the efficient and popular method of heterosexual men to conceal their less than masculine emotions, he instead follows a common homosexual trend of perhaps over-expressing his emotions. What kind of a power is having emotions? That just makes him stupider. When a giant robot spider attacks, what's better: Megaman, shooting it repetitively with charged up arm cannon shots? Or AstroBoy, letting his emotions get the better of him and using his rockets to fly away and cry? See my point now, emotions in a robot, with the exceptions of rage and humor are stupid and impede the success of the robot.

In conclusion, AstroBoy is by far the stupidest of the popular robots. He is poorly dressed and just looks bad to the point that he may be mistaken for a homosexual, he has no real original abilities that are worthy of making him cool, and the one semi-unique thing about him, his emotions are just stupid. AstroBoy is a horrible robot worthy only of dismantlement and is bringing down the so far cool robot stereotype.