The Asshole, the Best Thing Ever to Happen to the Internet

Writer : Steve
Lion Tamer : Ryan

When it comes to online "literature" (articles and such), there's quite a bit of variety. Of course, this is a bad thing because not only are most of the authors complete fucking idiots, thier articles tend to be boring and/ or aggrivating as well. So how do you filter out all the garbage and find articles like mine? Well, I guess it's a fair assumption that what people write is somewhat dependant on their personality, and it's pretty well known that you can classify people by their personalties, so it should be no surprise that you can also classify types of articles by the same standards, avoiding types of people's articles that are pretty much guaranteed to piss you off. I, for example, am an asshole. I take pleasure in other people's suffering, (to a certain extent anyway) and as this article will explain, that's the main reason my works are the masterpieces they are.

Perhaps the best way to expose what a gift to the internet the asshole mind is, is to demonstrate kind of garbage the rest of the online population is trying to pass for content. By the way, you might want to compare yourself to the groups I'm about to describe, just to make sure you can avoid posting a billion articles that no-one will ever read and that will just clog up the internet and piss off whoever is unlucky enough to stumble upon them.

Prep: I like to call these people "Blog Criminals", but that's just because I like to use the word "criminal" at every chance, without this desire, I'd probably have called them something a bit more offensive. Classic examples of this type of website/blog are everywhere. It's basically somebody better than you bragging about how good their life is. Nobody wants to read how you won the "big game", scored with a cheerleader, aced your math exam, didn't accidentaly burn down your house, etc... My definition of a good website is something worthy of being bookmarked, and anyone out there who bookmarks one of these sites deserves to be curb stomped. (That's where they hold your face over a curb so that your teeth are against the curb and then stomp the back of you head. It's quite amusing to watch.)

Goth: The other end of the spectrum. That's not to say that this group contrasts how much the prep's websites suck, it's just saying they suck in the opposite way. I enjoy the suffering of other people as much as the next guy, but after a while, it just gets sad. It's usually not even that their life is that bad, these people just whine about it non-stop so that it seems like some kind of huge problem. Classic trademarks of this type of site are a record of failed suicide attempts and depressing poetry about the host's "pain", which, by the way, is usually very bad poetry too.

12 Year old girl: This is perhaps the most awful use of all on the internet. From what I understand (I avoid these sites like the plague), this site is usually just an extended MSN profile with the occasional addition of a bulletin board of social activities. Nobody gives a damn about what some pre-pubescent girl thinks of Jonny Depp, and the only people I could see going to these sites are pedophiles looking for their next victim. So I guess this type of waste of space kind of settles itself; Some self-obsesed pre-teen (or perhaps a "tween") posts a bunch of "deep thoughts" on how she has too much homework. Then a week later, they find her body floating face-down in a river. Serves the bitch right for clogging up my Google searches.

Knowledgable person: This one isn't so much a plague on the internet as it is un-entertaining. These are your basic independent websites that give advice on programming, math equations or some other form of science. While this is fine and dandy if you happen to be looking for info on the subject, if you happen to be looking for a laugh, you'll be sourly dissapointed.

Plain old idiots: You don't see many sites that fit into this category, it's sad really. While the hosts of these sites are often incoherent and hilarious to talk to in person, they tend to think out their points better when they're posting them, turning their priceless moronic banter into unimpressive weak essays. Another reason for the lack of stupid people having websites is that stupid people often don't have time to maintain a site, as they're busy failing consumer math courses and getting thier heads stuck in stair railings.

The all-mighty asshole: Ah, home territory, I know it well. These people are the only reason the internet can be entertaining apart from porn. What's more fun than an unjustly stubborn opinion on some political or social trend being expressed by a true expert in the art of flaming? Nothing, that's what. If the pornography industry is the heart and soul of the internet, then the common asshole is the backbone, and what a sharp and witty backbone it is. It's not even limited to the internet, these people are great entertainers all around. The ability to make fun of people well is an awesome one to say the least, kinda the social equivalent of being a ninja.

And there you have it, all of the internet's blogs categorized into 6 categories. As you can see, most of them wouldn't be very entertaining and unless you actually know the host and give a damn what they think, should be avoided. Now that I've saved you all hours of scrolling through endless pages of some dumb fuck bragging about how he can almost lift a car because he's so fucked up on steroids, I think I'll end this article and re-focus my hate on the next one.