The Best and Worst Colours of All Time

Written by Steve
Editing by Ryan

As most of you probably already know, (I hope) there are a mulitiude of colours in the visible light spectrum. That said, not all colours are as good as the others, to put it simple, some colours are just plain fucked up. In order to objectively judge colours, several techniques can be used; The first is quite simple, just judge the colour with it's common associations, the downside to this is that there are plenty of contradicting connotations to colours, so this technique is about as reliable as Miss Cleo. Another way to differentiate between colours is to imagine how good they would represent things. Colours that could be made to represent cool things are obviously cooler than those that can't. The last method is purely scientific, judging the colour by it's electromagnetic wavelength. At the end of the review, I'm hoping one colour will emerge as the best, so as to settle this dispute for all time.

A few years ago, I was faced with a simple choice that I put way too much thought into. The choice was to pick which Pokemon cartrige I would buy (although I eventually ended up buying both anyway). I thought for days on the problem, comparing every applicable aspect of the games; With blue, I'd be expected to choose the mighty "Blastoise" (A big turtle with cannons on it's back) as my main fighter, I'd master the forces of water and ice and douse the flames of my enemies. With the red cartrige however, I'd get the mighty "Charrizard" (Big dragon thing that can breath fire) and most importantly, have a distinct advantage over my friend Zack, who had bought the game earlier and had foolishly chosen the foul and cestile "Venusaur" (A stupid looking giant amphibian with a mornonc looking flower growing out of it's back). And so I picked the red cartrige, and this led to many an ass-kicking (myself being the ass-kicker, of course). Back to my point, there really are four main colours, red, blue, yellow, and green. These correspond with the four "elements", each one pretty cool, and the only way to choose between them is often just personal preference.

You might be saying "If it's just personal preference, then how is one cooler than the others?". If you said this and are over the age of six, you should report immediatly to the nearest dog food factory and surrender yourself to the mighty meat grinder so that at least some good will come out of you. Back on track, the very thing that makes something cool is personal preference; the more people like something, the cooler it is. A good way to judge how good a colour is in this way is to see how many gangs have these colours. Red and blue emerge the leaders in this category, not only do they represent the Bloods and the Crips, but also appear on many national flags, which, when you think about it, are just big gangs. Don't believe me? Just start ripping on the US, and you'll see the big G.B. sending some of his homies with M16s after your punk ass.

And then there were two, red and blue. Right back to square one, if you would. While I guess we could just wait for the gang war between the Crips and the Bloods to settle itself out and then accept the winning gang's colour as the best, I don't have that kind of time, so I'll throw some physics into the mix to confuse you as well as wrap up the article. Different coulors are just light traveling in different wavelengths, as are X-rays, gamma rays, and Radar waves. Red and Blue are on the opposite ends of the visible spectrum, so it's really just a pissing contest now. The fact is, red simply has a bigger wavelength and is thus superior. Because of this, red is the most easily seen of all colours and the least harmfull to the human eye. Some idiots might try and point ot that Blue light is more energetic and is then "better" than red. This is nonesense, you can't judge something on how energetic it is, if that was the case, then living on the sun would be better than living on earth. These idiots deserve to be shown the error in thier ways by being shot into the sun via a mega-cannon they can build with all thier energy. Hell, I'd even let them make it blue. Then they'd get all the energy they could ever want as they get incinerated as soon as they get within about a million miles of the sun. "Hahahaha, where's your messiah to save you now?!!", that's what I'd say, refering of course to blue as their messiah.

I just realized that the title of this article promises a worst colour too, so I'm just gonna say yellow is the worst colour and stick with that. Everything yellow sucks, no exceptions. If you think I need to prove this, then you suck almost as much as much as yellow in addition to being a complete fucking dumbass.

To wrap up this sham of an article, red is the best colour ever and anyone who thinks otherwise should be kicked in whatever reproductive organs they have to prevent the continuation of such tainted genes (tainted with being such a fucking douche). Yellow is also the worst colour, no one likes it and it should just wander off and die.