An Uneducated Paper on Ghosts

Writer: Steve
Son of Krypton: Ryan

As many of you probably already know, ghosts ae quite the spooky occurance to say the least. But what you don't know about ghosts is far more frightening. Thus, while most people are afraid of ghosts, and rightly so, they are really fearing only the proverbial tip of the iceberg. As usual in this type of article, the information following may be damaging to those of you who lack well-developed nervous systems. That said, anyone who is an idiot (you'll know if you are because people will often call you an idiot) should avoid reading any furthur, as the next few paragraphs may well torment you to the very end of eternity.

If you've ever seen a ghost, heard of a ghost sighting, read about a ghost, dreamt about a ghost, or saw a turtle, then you'll agree that there are two main emotions these expieriences make you feel. The first is fear, as you realize that you have no manner in which to harm the ghost/turtle, but it may have a way to harm you. The second thing you'll feel is confusion, as not much is known for certain about these strange apparations.

But what is known? Well, ghosts usually come out at night, are translucent, can fly around and can sometimes even shoot energy out of thier hands. Turtles, on the other hand, sleep during the night, are opaque and cannot usually shoot fireballs out of thier hands. See the connection anyone? It's quite obvious to anyone with half a wit that during the night, turtles do not actually sleep, but instead leave thier shells and torment us in ghost form. Of course, the actual body of a turtle is quite solid and ghosts are not, so when a turtle turns into a ghost at night, the turtle can become many times the size of the ghost due to it's low density, and they sometimes even have enough mass left over after the transformation to be able to turn said mass into energy which they can then shoot out of their hands.

"But why are they doing this?" you might ask. Why would these loveable little slow creatures want to frighten us and possibly destroy us with their energy beams? The answer is simple: they envy our security. Here's an animal that has evolved for thousands (or mabye millions, I should probably know this) of years towards armouring itself against predators, then we humans step in and just kill all of our predators and then we end up being much safer than they are. Imagine their frustration with this. It'd be like if you worked your ass off in a mine for fifty years and made a fortune, then your buddy who hasn't worked a day in his life buys a lottery ticket and wins MORE than you have made in fifty years of hard labour. I'd say that's motive alright, and there's no way of reasoning with the turtles because they're just so fucking irate. They may hide it well, but when a turtle looks at you, it sees nothing but hatred, and there's nothing the turtle would like better than to see you flash fried by one of it's spectral friends.

Without a way of reasoning with these horrible creatures, humanity seems doomed. While I suppose we could just start killing turtles, that would probably just get them even angrier and so that's probably a bad idea. I have ponderd this dilemma for many an hour, and I do believe I have the solution: killing the ghosts. If we kill turtles, that's like an attack on the turtles, they'd invariably just get angrier. But if we kill the ghosts, well then that's just self defence, and the turtles have to respect that. This is easier said than done of course, as the very nature of ghosts makes them quite difficult to kill. But don't despair yet, humanity has alreday conceived several ways in which to either kill ghosts, or just make them want to leave.

Those things the Ghostbusters had (ED: Proton packs): You know those things the Ghostbusters had that could suck up ghosts? well they work like a charm. There really isn't any better way to be rid of ghosts, but these things are nuclear powered, and thus far out of the spending range of the average person. If everybody had one of these, the whole ghost problem thing would probably be solved within a week, but again, their cost is an issue. There are some alternatives though, and although they don't work quite as well, they tend to get the job done.

Cell phones: For some reason even I don't fully understand, cell phones tend to kill ghosts. It's quite well established that since the invention of the cellular phone, ghost sightings have gone down significantly. My thinking on this is that the ghosts are much more prone to the electromagnetic field caused by these phones and to them, merely being in an electric field is analagous to what would happen if a person was to be constantly shot with a machine gun. Of course, even with this constant pain acting against them, ghosts are still resilient creatures, so more extreme measures must be taken. My solution? Simple, we make a cell phone gun! If we can concentrate the power of ten to fifteen cell phones into a centimeter diameter beam, said beam should be able to ruin the ghosts' shit quite efficiently. The only problem with this is that this gun can only be pointed in one direction at a time, and so ghosts could still sneak up on you and let loose with some of their dreaded fireballs.

Religious interventions: This one's the oldest way to get rid of ghosts, but it's actual method of function is severly misunderstood. Ever talk to an extremely religious person? Probably not your favourite conversation of all time was it? This is the principle behind getting rid of ghosts with religion. Nobody wants to hang out with a person who just talks about their religion all day, it's both boring and irritating. Ghosts are no exception to this, and so if the person they're trying to torment becomes very religious, the ghost will often get the fuck out of there as fast as it can just because the person is such a douche.

So now you're prepared to face these creatures. Although by day, they may be humourous and even cute, turtles have nothing but contempt for you and want nothing more than to torment you untill the day you die. By night, they turn into ghosts and fulfill their sick urges to horrify and intimidate the human race. But there are ways to deal with them and humanity is not defenceless, so as long as you use one of the previously mentioned methods to deal with these foul tormentors, you should be okay. Until they develop some other way to torment us, that is.