Missy Elliot, A Natural Disaster

Writer: Steve
Tall, dark and handsome: Ryan

To anyone who has ever seen a Missy Elliot video, or have even caught a mere glimpse of her foul visage, this is probably "preaching to the choir". For those of you who have been lucky enough to have been spared exposure to this unnatural behemoth, you have much to learn, none of it good. To say the least, Missy Elliot is a natural disaster; She's ugly and she can't sing. But there's no shortage of people like this in the world, as few people can be considered attractive and fewer can sing well. The thing about Missy Elliot that sets her apart (by making her much worse) from the uncountable legions of hideous, tone-deaf people is that, for some reason she's popular. Very popular. Can this monster ever be stopped? No, I doubt it. She's truely a sign of the coming apocalypse and no-one can stand in the way of her mind-numbingly bad singing and her eye-gougingly bad looks.

A very early response from anyone listening to anything by Missy Elliot is the standard: "This bitch can't fucking sing!", followed by attempts to change the channel thwarted by Missy's foul psychic powers, then the equally futile attempt at suicide to release themself from the horrible existance that the mere image of Missy has made their reality. I wouldn't consider myself an authority on rap or hip-hop, but I do watch a lot of Much Music (The Canadian MTV), and I pride myslef on being able to judge videos and music of almost any genre. It was quite simple, even without my mad skillz, to determine within a couple of milli-seconds of my first veiwing of some of Missy's "work" that it was pure and utter crap, causing me to vomit for many days. It's not like I hate the genre either, I listen to plenty of rap, and God knows how much hip-hop I see, but with all my experiences, I've seldom found a singer or group that pisses me off to the extent that Missy does. In short, her raps are slow and unimpressive, and her lyrcs are often offensive and, well, just add to my opinion of what a fucking idiot she is.

There's more to Missy than her singing though, not only is someone who has the missfortune of seeing one of her videos bombarded with horrible sound, but they also have to put up with 4-6 minuites of some fat bitch dancing around the screen. When other popular singers are as awful sounding as Missly Elliot is, they are often quite attractive, so as to balance out the effect of an otherwise awful music video. This is far from the case with Missy, as you'd probably have trouble finding something uglier on the floor of the ocean. To her credit, at least she seems to realize trhat she's no prize pig, and at least she usually wears enough clothes to bring her looks up to about the level of a critical burn patient. I can only guess at the extent of the horror that would engulf the world if ever this abombination tried to pull off some of the shit that Brittney Spears does. I'd imagine buildings in a ten kilometer radius would be incinerated instantly if Missy even did so much as showed a bit of ankle.

What really takes the cake with Missy Elliot, (if there's any cake left after it has somehow materialized in the same physical realm as Missy) is the fact that, despite being horribly ugly as well as possibly being the worst singer ever to rise up from the deapths of Hell in order to torment the human race, she's still really fucking popular. This is probably due to two main reasons; Firstly, Missy supposedly was respectable in past jobs in the music industry, and has developed a fanbase of blind and deaf morons who would follow her back into the very depths from which she once emerged. These people are sad beyond the point of humor. I mean, there's certain types of people that you just feel bad making fun of, people who throw their lives away on something so stupid that it will invariably lead to their suicide should they ever understand what the fuck it was they were thinking. The other reason is perhaps one of the worst problems about society today: feminism. Just because Missy slipped through the cracks and somehow became sucessfull without being attractive and thus not exposing a good percentage of her body to anyone who fancied a gander, I guess she became some sort of feminist messiah. Feminists are some of the most near-sighted and stupidest peope to ever exist, so this group following Missy really isn't that big of a surprise. And so this is quite a problem; While most of the populous is disgusted with this abombination, there's still enough idiots backing her up to keep her tripe in the media.

I've hated Missy for a good amount of time now, although I've never actually had the misfortune of running into an actual fan of hers, and so I guess that's something I can be happy about. I can't imagine these fans being too numerous, yet somewhere, there has to be a whole fuckload of 'em to keep her popular. All I can do now is hope that someday, people will realize what a douche Missy is. I suppose I could take comfort in the fact that she'll probably die soon, what with the obeseity and all, but even if she were to die this very second, I'd still be scarred for life by the natural disaster that is Missy Elliot.