NERF Awesomeness

Words on a page : Steve
Words spelled correctly: Ryan

One of the most enjoyable and rewarding tactical maneuvers is a well planned urban ambush. What can be more satisfying than seeing a potential foe strumble through a door only to be ripped apart by supersonic lead or come face to face with a thousand degree shockwave advancing 100km/h? Of course, such a thing would be quite illegal to do, and for someone just starting off, enemies that you'd actually want to kill may be in short supply. If only there was a way to ambush someone without seriously harming them, but letting them know at the same time that they have been thoroughly owned... There's actually quite a few ways to do this, ranging from paintball to simple water baloons to water bottles filled with serin, but most of them end up making quite a mess and aren't really suited to be used inside a home (and serin will probably kill everyone involved, so don't use it unless you're in a cult or something). The solution, as you may have deduced from the title is NERF. With this great invention, it's now possible to welcome houseguests into your home by shooting foam darts at them in rapid succession.

What is NERF, you ask? As I alluded to earlier, NERF is a brandname of a company that makes plastic guns that shoot small foam darts. They don't shoot very far, nor do they hit very hard, but the guns themselves often look pretty cool and in an indoor setting range shouldn't be a problem. NERF products (as well as similar budget brands which can be kinda hit or miss) are quite common to find at any major department store like Wal*Mart and are usually quite reasonably priced. But before you go out and buy one of these tools of awesomeness, you should probably put some thought into what exactly you're looking for, as there are many different forms of NERF guns available.

So you want to get a NERF gun to ambush your friends, but you're unsure of what exactly to get. They've got bows, rocket launchers, machine guns, shotguns, rifles, and pistols, as well as which ever other weapon NERF decides to simulate in the future. They all work pretty good and usually look pretty awesome, but I'd stay away from the rocket launcher, as they cost more and fire pretty slowly, making you look like a huge tool who spent way too much money on an innacurate toy if you miss. Also, if you're thinking of getting two pistols, realize that they're not semi-auto like real pistols, meaning you'll have to re-cock them after every shot, rendering having two of them much less efficient than one. If you really want to hose someone down, I'd advise getting a machine gun. These things are fuly auto and leave your houseguest startled and possibly several grams heavier due to the numerous NERF darts stuck to them (they rarely stick, and I hate to mislead you, but the sentence just seemed to write itself). These machine guns come either electricaly powered which boast slow rates of fire, are ripoff brands and jam frequently, or pneumatic (air powered), which are all around better except for the fact that you have to pump the thing ahead of time. Looking back, just forget all the other stuff and try to get the air-powered machine gun; it's the best. Some people (Xaq Nowak) will try to make you believe that certain pistols or shotguns are better because they "look badass". but how badass is it to get six darts off and then have to reload while your ambush-mates are still hammering the new arrival with rapid fire.

Alright, so now you've got the NERF machine gun and you're ready to call up a friend only to betray him at your door and he enters your lovely home to a face-full of plastic-tiped foam darts (they say not to shoot for the head, but it's way awesomer). This is where the real fun starts. A good ambush does two things: it surprises and traps the enemy. Following this logic, you'd be dumb to just open up on the "MoFo" when they open your front door, as they'd probly just duck out and call you an asshole from outside. No, you have to let them get into the house a little, maybe wait behind a couch or something and spring up unexpectedly. If there isn't a door nearby, the victim will probly just try to find cover or get on the ground. Knowing this, it's your job to make sure that as little cover is available to them as necessary. If you're lucky enough to have them go for the ground, then you get to walk over to them and finish them off execution style with a dart to the back of the head.

As a final note, should you pull off a NERF ambush successfully, don't gloat about it too much or the victim will become obsessed with getting his sweet revenge, and he'll probly put more effort into it than you will, resulting in an awesome revenge and eventually you being gloated to, which is pretty sucky. As a final note, I realize that I've been personifying the reader and the reader's victims as male throughout the article. This is intentional as girls are unlikely to spend money on such a venture and probably shouldn't be the target of such an ambush as it will probably just result in getting glared at and then having the guest leave and then not talk to you for a while.