An Uneducated Paper on Apes

Written by Steve
Editing by Ryan

As I will assume most of you already know, (simply because you seem to have the mental capacity to be conscious) that apes are humanitys closest rival. You may think; What a stupid article, surely he can't be talking about those loveable, hilarious creatures in the zoos. Your thoughts are partially right, I speak not of the zoo apes, nor the "wild" apes in the forests of Africa and South America, as you will discover in the very near future, those types of apes are mere masquerades. The reality of it is, Apes are quite the dangerous breed, and although we don't realize it yet, they may soon have the ability to crush us at will. So heed my words, for what I am about to tell you may just save your life. While you actually being able to protect yourself from these noble creatures is unlikely, at least when they do attack, it will not be a complete surprise. Now what I'm about to say may literaly blow your mind, so for liability purposes, anything you read past this paragraph you read accepting any consequences that may arise when your un-evolved brain attempts to comprehend the information, even if the result is, as I predict, much the same as it would be to try to fit a city bus into a shopping cart.

For centuries, man has believed himself ruler of the world, the top of the food chain and so on. While man was somewhat correct, there where two exceptions; The Apes and the Bees, that are indeed far more advanced than we could hope to be in a hundred years. How is this possible, you ask, shouldn't we be seeing huge Ape skyscrapers and Bee factories? Yes, yes we should, but there are more players in this game than you have accounted for. Aliens, you know, the things sometimes seen in the skies at night. These aliens know nothing of the apes, or at least they didn't; until I told them, that is. Anyway, the Apes had this great plan; Since their long range sensor equipment was able to tell them that a huge alien armada was headed towards earth, they put their differences with the Bees aside and hid in the center of the Earth together in order to hide from the aliens, who had inferior technology, but vastly greater numbers. If any fools remain in the audience, they are no doubt wondering "wouldn't all the apes melt?". Well, I suppose that's a "mark of the idoit", and if you found yourself asking this question, well, I guess you just failed this little IQ test. Anyway, in interest of keeping the more foolish demographic content, (they anger rather easily) the answer is quite simple; The core of the earth is not actually hot, it is plain for anyone to see that the Apes, or perhaps the Bees, are sending us false readings when we look at the core temperature of the earth. Need proof (Talking to the idiots once again)? Just dig a really deep hole, although the apes probably won't be very happy to see you.

Of course, with all this apish secrecy afoot, someone would have had to discover this underground world in the first place. That person was me, you see one night, when I was killing zombies in the sewers (and saving all your ungratefull asses in the process...), I came upon what looked to be a tremendously deep hole. It just so happened though, that one of the zombies was from the future, so after I had done him in, I grabed his anti gravity armour and started my descent into the hole. I plumetted at a great speed for about an hour, during which I had a snack. When I fially did come upon the end of this drop, I fell thrugh a hole in the roof of what appeared to be some kind of lab. I suppose the zombie hadn't been from far enough in the future, because although I did try, I could not stop the effects of gravity fast enough to not touch the ground at all, falling instead with the force equivalent to about a normal ten meter fall. My manly legs easily took the strain, but my presence on the floor had triggered an alarm. Out of nowhere, a squadron of mabye thirty apes armed with some kind of lazer rifles appeared. I had suspected something like this for a while, so I really wasn't surprised in the least and started kicking ass as soon as I saw them. They opened fire immediatly, intent on not letting me ascend to the surface with their secret. Although the Apes where expert marksmen and avid hand to hand fighters, I slew the lot of them in a relatively short time. I came out of the battle wounded however, and not wanting to risk another encounter, made my way to the surface. After presenting my encounter with the apes to the aliens, they became quite frightened. I tried explaining to them that their numbers where far greater, but they would not listen, probably thinking the apes had some kind of superweapon (to this day, I'm still not sure what this weapon is), they thanked me for my effort and ran away, as fast as thier ships would carry them. So there you have it, witness tesimony to the existance of this super-culture of apes. I suppose some of the morons reading this won't believe, claiming that it's just one persons account, but are not religions to which people devote thier lives sometimes based on less? So fuck off and I hope the Apes come for you first.

Now the apes are free once more to rise to the surface, the threat the aliens posed is gone and they could finish off humanity with ease, but there is still one thing in thier way; The Bees. the Bees have thier own agenda and really deserve thier own article, so I'll leave it at that for now, but just realize that they're the only thing holding the apes back. As the internet is quite a populated place, there are bound to be some morons stupid enough to ask something like: "Why do Apes allow themselves to be imprisioned in zoos?". I can practically see anyone with an IQ above 60 contorting their faces in shock because such a stupid question has been pondered, but just so these fools don't soil themselves in anger, I'll answer it anyway. The apes are not the ones who are imprisoned, we are. The zoo displays containg Apes are merely their way of keeping tabs on the humans, making sure we don't get too advanced to control. Sheesh, come on, I thought that one was pretty obvious. After reading this, you may think your safe, that the Apes keep the Bees in check and vise versa. Wrong again, you moron! While the war eats up a lot of the Apes' time and effort, they still have plenty of time to get up here every now and then and raise some hell. It happens often, of course, nobody assumes it's the apes doing it. Something ever blow up for no reason? How about people dying mysteriously? Ever hear of the Kennedy Assassination? Or perhaps you can't remember where you put something, like a remote control. Apes are behind all of these occurances, every last one of them, and anyone who dissagrees is obviously an Ape in disguise, trying desperatly to preserve what is the biggest cover-up in the history of the universe

To conclude, the Apes are far more advanced than most people think. They are vicious, calculating individuals who's only goal is to reclaim the surface world and make slaves of us all. Only he Bees stand in their way, and the only hope for humanity is that they somehow kill each other off completely. So if and when the apes attack, remember this article. They will invariably destroy our civilization, but at least they'll know we where on to them.