Writer: Steve
Employee of the Month: Ryan

With the cold, evil talons of Easter nearly upon us, and my hatred of religion stronger than ever, I find my interests shifting towards the delights of candy. I've already touched on my near-dependance on chocolate, but today I speak of a bird of an entirely different feather. Actually, these birds have no feathers, else they'd be horribly awkward to consume. Of course, the delightfull confection of which I speak is none other than Peeps, by far the best marshmallow-based candy ever created! Make note, however, that I'm not saying something stupid like "Peeps are the best candy ever, I'm a fucking moron!", I mean, Peeps are great, but they can't even begin to compare to the majesty of the ingenious "Charleston Chew". That shortcoming aside, Peeps really are a great candy. That said, the page is still looking pretty blank and so it looks like I'm gonna have to go into a little more detail, pinpointing why it is exactly that these sugar-coated creations have melted my icy heart. (They did not actually melt my icy heart, I just said that because it seemed to go with the sentence.)

The obvious reason Peeps are so great is because they taste good. Candies that taste bad don't usually do well, and so this point makes good sense. But what is it exactly that makes peeps taste so good? I mean, when you break 'em down, they're just marshmallow and suger, but I doubt just eating marshmallows dipped in sugar would taste nearly as good. If you were to try this home-made concoction, (I did!) you'd find that the real problem is that the product is too sweet. It's otherwise not a bad candy, but you can just feel it drilling right through your fucking teeth! To compensate for this, our friends at "Just Born" (The company credited with the production of these marvels) have made the sugar coating less sweet. In addition, they're even one step ahead by forseeing the problem that eating marshmallows is quite filling and have made Peeps quite a rare (opposite of dense, although they can be difficult to find as well, especially during a non-holiday time) candy. The product of all these toils are delcious candies that aren't too sweet and that you can eat plenty of.

Another reason that makes Peeps rise above the legions of other, inferior candies, is that it comes in a nearly infinite number of varieties. First, it was just chicks (infantile chickens), then came eggs, Christmas trees, Jack-o-lanterns, and probably a whole fuckload I forgot. They've even got one now that you can decorate yourself. But it's not like these candies are shaped to any kind of deail, despite thier variety, the designs are crude and reek of mass-production. Take, for example, the chicks (Again, the baby chicken) look as if thier shape is actually a mistake. It's just a vertical zig-zag patern using progressivly less marshmallow to shape the top part. Now, while some of you may find this to be a bad thing, I think otherwise, as a poorly fashoned likeness of a baby chicken is easier on the consience to eat than a well detailed one.

As I've briefly spoken about earlier, Peeps seem to have an off-season when they are not available. This adds to people's liking of them, as people desire something more when they do not have unlimited acess to it. You don't believe me, do you, you doubting bastards? Ok, well, I'm kinda used to dealing with idiots, so I'll just give you an example to either convince you of my point or confuse you to the point where you just accept my logic: If you were to get out of you house and stay out there for a couple of weeks, you'd appreciate your house a lot more when you finally did get back in. In the same way, Peeps become precious to all who behold thier majesty due partially to the fact that they can't always be found.

Another good aspect of Peeps, is that because they're such a light candy, you can eat a whole fucking lot of them! Looking down at an empty 18 pack of Peeps that was full five minuites ago is a confidence boost for any self-respecting person. It's kinda like in those awful RPG games when you get to like level 99, and then, just for fun, (which there usually isn't much of in an RPG) you go back to the first dungeon and just start kicking ass, your enemies stand no chance against your newly aquired might. Similarly, even a legion of Peeps is no match for a well trained stomach. Of course, they're probably not too great for your health, (I wouldn't dare check the box for fear of what I'd probably find) but the fact that they're not always available sort of compensates for that as it's usually socially acceptable for people to take on extra indulgences for special occasions. And believe me, Peeps are a special occasion.

To wrap up, Peeps are a truly awesome candy for a vast multitude of reasons. With Peeps, you get variety, taste, and the great feeling you get when you toss aside your 5th empty carton and submit to comatose brought on by sugar-induced shock. All the aspects combine to make Peeps a really awesome candy. Anyone who thinks otherwise will surely be crushed by the sheer greatness of the allmighty Peeps! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! PRAISE PEEPS OR PERISH!