Why Penguins Are Stupid

Written by Steve
Editing by Ryan

Penguins are nature's stupidest animals. They are flightless birds, what more can I say? The whole purpose of being a bird is to fly, without flight, the only hope for a bird to be cool is to be outrageously large, like our friend the emu. That's a good bird, but the penguin?Stupid, nothing but stupid. There are a few good reasons that the penguin is stupid, among them are the fact that penguins can't even walk coherently, the very color scheme of the penguin, and of course the fact that they could not survive in any environment other than the desolate arctic.

One reason that penguins are stupid is that their manner of walking is quite foolish. How can we be lead to respect something that lacks even basic motor skills, seriously, when's the last time you saw someone paying homage to an old person. The only reason people even talk to old people is to shut them up. If old people walk funny and earn our contempt, why not hate penguins? They walk funny too, and not funny to the extent that it's actually funny, just very irritating. Some people say that penguins make up for their under par walking skills with superior swimming skills, but such skills have never actually been documented. We are just being lead to believe the lie by animal rights activists who have nothing better to do than to create a web of lies to protect the foolish penguins.

The colors on a penguin are ridiculous. They have been described as wearing tuxedos. Well if it's not cool for a dog to wear ridiculous clothes (which, by the way, it's not) then it's not cool for a penguin to look as though it is wearing a tuxedo. Another aspect of the penguin's colors that make them foolish is the fact that they are horrible camouflage. Seriously, there like storm-troopers, and we all know how easy those are to spot and shoot. Think about it. Your plane crashed in the arctic, you've got a gun and you're hungry. How hard would it be to spot dark spots on an otherwise white terrain? Not very hard at all. Plus, when you catch them, they can't even run away. You could literally kill thousands of them without them being able to do anything about it.

One of the strongest points making penguins stupid is their association to animal rights groups. It just makes them crappy by association. There is little that makes a species look weaker than to be protected by a bunch of tree hugging, hemp eating pansies. Think about the tiger, it used to be a dignified and awesome animal, but then animal rights groups jumped in like the tigers needed their help. Tigers don't need help and neither does any other animal. Hunters aren't as stupid as activists think, they won't kill all the animals of a species knowing that more of them could still fetch them a profit, they would thus breed the animals to make more of them, creating job security for themselves. Penguins are already stupid, and the 'help' they are receiving from activists just makes them look stupider.

To summarize, the penguin is one of nature's biggest mistakes. They are stupid, awkward, badly colored animals that deserve to be wiped from the earth because, frankly, they serve no purpose and the activists protecting them should suffer a similar fate.