The Delicate and Deadly Art of Shaving

Writer: Steve
Master of the Universe: Ryan

Since the average internet surfer is probably a thirteen year old desperatly trying to locate porn, I've decided to pass along a bit of helpful information to help these pitiful wanderers. No, I'm not going to reveal my awesome porn finding secrets, because if I did, I couldn't tell people I have awesome porn-finding secrets; They would be secret no more. No, today I am releasing much less interesting, but probably more usefull information in the long run. Today, I will delve into the depths of the myriad of conondrums surrounding the ancient and mystical art of shaving. Sure, it sounds pretty easy, a rather simple procedure like they show in the commercials. But where will the commercials be when you fuck up your face with four blades at once?! I suppose your father figure(s) could teach you this skill, but if you're anything like I was, you won't listen and then fuck up the whole shaving operation and be a social shame on your family. So I take it upon myself, as some random guy writing half-assed articles to teach you this most deadly of skills.

Firstly, you'll want a razor. You may think you could just use a sharp kitchen knife or a machine gun, and I invite you to try, but this article will focus on shaving with a razor, and so that's what you'll need. When purchasing a razor, there are only two things to concern yourself with; Firstly, the more blades the better, as you'll probly fuck it up and cut yourself a lot, so the fewer strokes made with the razor, the better. And secondly; DON'T BUY A FUCKING STRAIGHT RAZOR! Sure it looks cool, but these things can really, really fuck you up. I tried to use one once and managed to lose about a pint of blood from the experience, and that's me. Knowing the intelligence of the average web surfer, you'll probably fuck up so bad that they'll have to ID you by your teeth at the morgue. There is some debate on whether or not you actually have to change the blades on razors, I've had the same ones in my razor for three years now, so I'm gonna say it's bullshit. Another thing to take into concideration is not placing your razor anywhere near your toothbrush; They look quite similar at three in the morning after a few drinks, and I myself have come painfully close on several occasions pretty much guaranteeing my dentist's kids hover cars, lazers, and other expensive shit.

The actual act of shaving has often been compared to mowing a lawn. I'm not a huge supporter of this simile, mainly due to the fact that when you fuck up mowing the lawn, you can't really tell. Actually, on further concideration, when you're mowing the lawn, you really can't fuck up. I can't think of a single way to screw up mowing the lawn. I guess you could get your hand caught in the blades or something, but you'd have to be a complete fucking idiot to do that. This reminds me of one time on "ER", these two guys tried hoisting up a lawnmower to trim their hedges and the tips of their fingers got cut off. I'm not sure exactly why, but I laughed and laughed and laughed, to this day, I still insist that it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Back to my point, you better know what your doing when you shave, because if you fuck it up, it's gonna hurt and you're gonna look like an idiot. Some people say to shave "with the grain", or in the direction in which you hair is growing. I guess this technique works, but I tried it once and it takes a long, long time. Your best bet is to just use shaving cream effectivly and giv'er, If done correctly, you should be able to shave your whole face in like five minuits, or you could do it the pansy "with the grain" way and get it done in half an hour, the choice is yours; You're not a pansy, are you?

On to the process, the first thing you'll want to do is to prepare your face for the shaving. This is a two step procedure that entails first wetting your face to reduce friction and applying shaving cream to make the hairs stand up. For some reason which I still don't completely understand, the shaving cream seems to make your face kinda numb for a while and really helps reduce incidents of breaking skin. The mysteries of shaving cream continue; You have to rub it in for a good while to effectivly brace your skin, otherwise, it does almost nothing. That's probably the bigest trick I've picked up; Always lather well. On a side note, that's also why shaving gel is dominant over shaving cream in the market place, people assume that shaving gel braces their skin better, but in reality, it's the fact that you MUST lather gel for a while to apply it. Alright, so at this point, you should look like you have a white beard. If the beard is red or pinkish, or your face is otherwise hemmoraging blood, congratulations, you're at the top of the class! Next, you'll want to actually start the shaving procedure. It's probably best to start off on a cheek, as it's a large, flat surface. Once you get the hang of it, proceed to shave the rest of the face.

Now, not all parts of the face are of the same difficulty to shave, some parts can be right bitches. Namely, these areas are commonly known as; The sideburn areas and under the jaw. I'm not terribly fond of sideburns, and as such, I shave up to the top of my ear. This is sometimes a difficult endeavour, as hair tends to grow faster in the sideburn area, which is probably just God's way of fucking me over for being agnostic. Anyway, if you're gonna shave this area, try to do it fast, for some reason I find that helps. The area under the jaw is quite simply the stuff of horror movies. This seems to be the part most people have trouble with, as is planely obvious to anybody who cares to look under the jawline of almost any male over 14. There really isn't much you can do about this area, you just have to keep going over it over and over again with the razor because the hair never seems to get cut and hope you don't cut yourself too badly.

Ok, so the shave is over, time to asess the damage. If you pop a zit, that's really to be expected, as it was protruding from the skin just as the hair was and the razor was not programmed to differentiate between the two. The cuts I find most common are tiny cuts and disfiguring gashes. In the case of a tiny cut, it's really not so bad, despite the fact that you can sometimes fuck up and get like 100 tiny little cuts on a square inch of face, these things go away after a few days and are no matter for concern. If you've disregarded my advice on not getting a fucking straight razor, thinking that if people can use it on "CSI" to kill people, then it'd be cool if you could use it to shave, or if you're just a plain old waste of biomass, sack o' shit idiot, then you probably have some pretty bad cuts from your attempt to clear your flesh of hair. In this case, fuck you, I told you not to fuck around, and you did anyway. I may eventually write an article on first aid, but untill then, looks like you're SOL.

To conclude, shaving is a dangerous and deceptively difficult skill to master. Despite this, it is quite essential in not being confused for a homeless person and having things thrown at you. So use the glorious and advanced information I've given you, and if you fuck up real bad, well then, it's probly for the greater good that you die now in a pool of your own blood on your bathroom floor than thirty years from now in some kind of homeless gladator sport. Actually, I kinda want to see said sport, so if you think you're gonna fuck it up really bad, just avoid shaving all together and accept the path society throws at you.